mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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