I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
