She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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