Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize