Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
