He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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