you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize