I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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