we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize