I will die if light touches me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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