Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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