____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize