Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
