Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
