...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
