Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it glows. i had to have it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
