We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
