By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
