You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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