not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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