MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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