She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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