My sheets look like a crime scene.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
