The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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