I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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