my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
