I accidentally had phone sex last night
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Randomize
