Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
