He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
