No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
