My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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