had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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