Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
