Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
