My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
