Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
