my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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