Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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