I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
