dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
