At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
