I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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