he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
