I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I puked a lego.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The uberlube is also flammable
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I got inside last night via doggy door
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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