you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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