If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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