My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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