so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
