You can't motorboat a personality
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
