i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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