Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
