Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
