This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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