maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
