Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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