dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
