he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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