My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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