I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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