Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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