I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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