I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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