And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
