JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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