Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
